conversations with a carney

Carney- you know, i didnt always want to be a carney. Infact, I got here, standing beside the toss-a-frog by way of a $400 bet with my brother.

me- So what did you want to be?

Carney- Well, I always wanted to be a D.J. actually.

me- So why dont you leave the carnival thing behind and go on to become a D.J.?

Carney- Because I know I will never be a D.J.

me- that makes no sence, you can be what ever you want.

Carney- I know, but I dont want to be a D.J. for a reason.

Me- and what is that?

Carney- I have always believed that you should Dream with a passion and then live for that dream, that way, everything you do for your whole life will be done with Passion. If I ever actually became a D.J, I would have nothing to dream about or strive to become.


seems like a silly idea, why have a dream if you arent going to work towards it?
but after I thought about it for awhile it made more scence.

Perhaps it was the fumes of the tilt-a-whirl
or perhaps this young man was on to somthing.

with the flames painting pictures on the walls

I wish you would act your age

Stuck on the round about. except every time around, be they the same mistakes, somehow the scenery has changed slightly.

Ridiculasly, completly convinced
No matter what turn I take I'm sure further down the river I will realize I should have turned the other way.
Left?
Right?
Straight on ahead?
somtimes loving someone, neigh, all the time- loving someone means patients.
Kay-sara-sara.
or somthing along those lines
How many more nights do I figure to be sitting contemplating the next move.
Check-
check mate.
Listen to that ....
the sound of utter and complete confusion, arising once again from between the EARS of one young lass, 21 going on 45.


I think i was born on the wrong day.


I will never have all the answers, the first question I should be asking is
do i want all the answers ?
Flames painting picture on the wall indeed.
But what are the pictures of? and is it imparitive to always have to walk on tip-toes around the feelings of everyone else? My feelings feel too.

Papa's got a brand new badge

I remeber my grandfathers wedding, almost as if it were today.
Quite possibly because, it was today.
My grandfather a man at the ripe old age of pushin 80 walked, cane in hand down the isle today.
It was beautiful.
My grandfather is somewhat of a shister, always has been and will be until the day they throw the last fragments of dirt over his expired self.
All that aside, I do not believe for one second that he doesnt deserve to be happy.
9 years ago my Oma was told she had alzheimers. Damn it I miss my Oma, when my mom told me two night ago that my Opa was getting married this Thursday I bawled on my moms lap like an inconsolable infant for a good amount of time.
It is hard to explain to someone why it hurts ME that my grandfather has found another love. I miss my Oma, I love my Oma and I feel a loyalty to her. I feel it unfair that she had to miss some of the most beautiful years of her life. She was a devoted grandmother and I feel sad that I never got to sit down with her and tell her who I was and ask her who she was.
I was only 11 when she got sick, and 14 by the time she could no longer recognize me, 16 when she passed away in a silent and quiet way that only she could ever pull off.
Her whole life was like that, she was quiet and graceful, she was beautiful beyond words. She was the oldest soul I had ever met. She didnt need to speak, she communicated like no one I had ever met.
I feel like she got ripped off in life, and it saddens my heart that she isnt here.
I know i had a special connection with her. I lived with her from when I was 4 until 14. She braided my hair as we watched I love Lucy, on the nights my anxieties kept me from sleeping and she had eyes that could make anything somehow better.
When she moved into the nursing home I felt like I was abandoning her. it was very hard to visit her there, it was hard to just see her, and know that no matter how I tried I couldnt be her grandaughter anymore.
Shortly after my 14th birthday I accepted the fact when they told me she had no recolection of who any of us were.
I started volunteering at the nursing home and one day I was asked to sing in the alzheimers ward. Sure enough there i found myself strumming away on the guitar. Someone in the dozey eyed audiance requested Amazing Grace. I started singing and noticed my Oma, in the front row was fidgeting wildly wth her 'seat belt' they had her tied into her wheel chair with. She hadnt walked for months and months and here she was trying to get out of her chair. I sang on as she struggled, the nurses oblivious. She got it off and she stood. She walked all the way to where i was seated and she took the palm of her hand and wrapped it around my cheek.
When she looked at me and her eyes filled with tears and she smiled.

There has never been a more beautiful moment in my life. In waking life im sure it was less than a minut before she turned and walked back to her wheel chair.
She died withen the next month, and there is nothing anyone can say that will make me believe what happend that day was anything less than a miracle.
and this is why, no matter what life sends my way I know that miracles are real, love and magic are real. This is why we keep living because you never know if tomorrow will be the day to change your life in a way more magical than ever imagined.

perhaps this is why I cried, but I am very thankful my grandfather doesnt need to be alone and that he has found an open door when other doors were found closed.

Good luck gramps, good luck and dont do anything I wouldnt do.

Her Tea cup is empty

facing old demonds.
Sitting and Sitting for more time then I ever could have imagined in the freshly dug dirt from the new neighbouring lost soul.
Visiting a final resting place for someone I believed I would never have to say goodbye too.
I dont believe in odds, and so have always gone against them. I supposed once and a while the odds have to catch up to you.

Sorry Sir, the store is closing, please make your decision and move to the nearest exit.
Little did I know I WOULDNT be chosen, little did I know the exit was an exit to eternity.
Names etched in stone like a SOLID reminder, here lays John Smith, his crime?
thinking too much, and perhaps not enough.

And so the sun sets another day away. For you its only another day in eternity. For me its only another chapter closed and a fresh page for tomorrow, where I will once again decide: how the hell will I ever get over this?

Father Christmas, Mother Nature

Funny how the father is the illusion...


Anyways,
Spring is in full thrust and I couldn't be happier. There is nothing like beautiful weather to make your smile brighter, your breaths deeper and your will to do ANYTHING slightly responsible, less. Much much less.
Laundry?? Kitty litter?? BUT But I HAVE to get outside... work???
wtf???
Honey turn off the alarm I'm calling in beautiful!

Then of course there are those out there who take the Canadian attitude to this welcomed weather by finding SOME way to turn it around so its DAMN mother natures fault, silly mother nature the accursed for all our un-happiness.

Yesturday strolling past the river I passed a great number of smiling people who all, and I mean all, had to say hello (nice weather does that to people, suddenly they arent watching their feet and suddenly they are ridiculasly sociable)
"Hello! BEAUTIFUL weather we are having isnt it?"
I would smile and say 'yes' but not over joyed as I knew what was coming next, the quinessential Canadian weather bitch:

"it's about DAMN time eh?!!"

sigh.
And of course, the canadian weather bitch always ends in "eh?" making it imperitive that one respondes as it is now a question.
There really only is one option too, to agree with their naivity.
Maybe im the only one who has noticed.... its 30 freaking degres in MID april, not not not normal at all!
About time eh? No, actually, the temperature is much too high for this time of year, not only is a that telling me somthing is very wrong with our climate but it is also telling me that no one is EVER happy with the weather. It could be raining tiney diamonds from the sky leaving puddles of riches for all and the Canadian People would still bitch about the weather.

"Martha did you hear the forcast?? Damn weather report says we'll be getting another 4million over night, there goes my golf game tomorrow, damn weather.
But who the hell knows, those damn weather men never know that they are talking about anyways."

The Piano Has Been Drinking

For the first time in almost 3 years we rode in home in a taunting silence. No words, no music, hardly a breath was expelled. Ok so maybe there was some eye rolling taking place, but the eyes make no noice.
It was a strange day. When our Hero returned home from a day of hanging out with his friends he was so appologetic, and even saying "I've neglected you lets do somthing just for you tonight"
I chose dinner with a friend, and our hero.
And as we were leaving I was wondering where the accustomed compliment was...
Then came the Look of detatchment and the deep breaths that are never a good sign. Our hero was "suddenly" thwarted and there was no turning back.
My first question is.... what happend to the appologies minuts ago and what happend to the "I'll make it up to you"?
Oh well?
The evening went off full of hitches as they say.
Ending in a 30 minut ride home where the only communication was the silent fight over the temperature of the car.
Hands angrily darting to the controle board left, then other angry hands:right.




what the fucks going on?
and what oh what have I Done to make it happen?

Truth

All that is gold does not glitter, all those who wander are not lost"
JRR Tolkien

Wake up a-little Susie

Expire your inanition my dear
Worrys come and worries go, but true lonelyness lasts forever.

If you are able to avoid the pressures of everyone around you, you will indeed realize...
you don't NEED anyone.

Human fixation can be as harful as any addiction.
Instead of two "C"s becoming an O as what is the common way for things to progress in any relationship, does it not seem healthier and stronger for two "O"s to link up instead?

Somthing to think about in the world where comrodory is smiled upon and 2 become 1.
How's about 2 become 2... with the possibility of 3?

People definatly should in my opinin continue to create families, but instead of people always trying to "complete" eachother... maybe they should think about "inhancing" eachother instead.

2 half people will never make a whole.
2 whole people on the other hand will make one hell of a team.

Step one :
ditch dependancy, honestly, what has dependancey done for you lately?

When to Admit it's over

Maybe the burnt popcorn was foreshadowing for the evening.
As soon as we met up I knew this would be one of those visits that changes everything. You cant ignore the facts too long.
We were friends for 8 years "best" one might say, when suddenly.... well there THAT goes.
Its almost harder to break up with a female best friend than a boyfriend. At least in the ladder you both KNOW its over and recognize that.
Friendships fizzle out, its true, if you dont grow together you grow apart. I guess its time to admit we have very little in common, she is going to marry her highschool boyfriend who will take on her fathers business, they will live in a rich persons house with a hot tub and have their rich friends over for shallow conversations and serve them at their family room basment bar.
Sounds.... ok....in a disgustingly normal way.
I used to think we were so much a like,
times change, people change....
The conversation was hurting from hello and from there went into the obligatory
"so..."
"ya..."
"so..."

what do you do what do you say?
This relationship is flat.
So flat it has "Good year" Written all over it.

Do you remeber when Love was a 99cent store and my heart was a novelty hat?

Further down the river you see everything how it was meant to be.
Jelousy fades into the abiss and all colours become more vibrant.

I started a new blog, because my old blog was a very un-fair interpretation of who I am, or trying to become, or who I already have become but havent been able to express.

This blog isnt for my "friends" , because at the end of the day I am left with me and that is who this blog is for. I am sick of chivolries made out of spite and I am sick of tounge flapping saps who wouldnt know reality if it bit them in the ass.

Thoughts can be irrelivant unless shared, shared with who, it doesnt matter. Its lonely here at the top.

The truth of the consiquence is this:
emotions are names catogarized by different feelings in the same body, but who can honeslty say they love like the next person
for MY interpritation of green just may be a hell of a lot more green then you will ever see.
and what I call love... some may call Stalking.

Have a nice day, the forcast is weather.