My life is no wonderland
Wonderland oh wonderland.
well... i dont think in all honesty i will go back to wonderland... ever.
But that could just be my mood speaking.
No im sure it was fine. I dont really remeber, it was all kinda a blurr of screaming kids, excrutiating heat and chinese people with HUDGE reflective visors. I went on .... 2 rides. The really weak water rafting ride (because it was the only thing with a line totally in the shade) and .... wait, I lied, I suppose that is the only ride I went on.
But all was not in vain, i did go take full advantage of the water park. I went on most of the water slides that looked worth wile ( im not talkin the REALLY slow ones that you basially have to push your self off) The best was the one that shot you down a tube into a big toilet that you spin around then get flushed out of. That was pretty cool. Although I almost died in the line because I was so nervous. Did I mention I am absolutly TERRIFIED of anything that even comes close to being a little bit scary? I dont do rides... I dont do fairs, I dont do amusment parks. but somtimes I guess you FEEL like you HAVE to go do SOMTHING exciting. Then you realize... wow, shit do I ever HATE fun.
I mean really if we are really going to get into it, it was a nightmere for me. What are my least favorite things?
-crowds
-HEAT/humidity
-roller coasters
-fair food ex. hamburgers and corn dogs and fries
-NOISE
-congestion
-CITIES UGH
we can know ask.... why did I think I would LIKE wonderland? Anyways, I guess lately I have been doing a lot of things JUST to find out its not my thing, ex. did I mention I went to the local rodeo dance?? WEll I did. there was like... 800 people there. I paid TWENTY dollers to get into this thing , I the walked around the whole thing (starting at the front working to the back) looking and observing everyone and if there was someone I knew, stopping for the obligatory 10-12 second conversation. Then walked on. It took me about 20 minuts to do the whole circut and see everyone I needed to see. There was enough people I knew I guess, there was the girl who used to ALWAYS be SUCH a bitch to me on the higschool bus. There was the girl I sent fake Love notes to in grade 4 pretending she had a secret admiror when really it was me and another girl playing a REALLY mean joke on her because she was... a loner. See, I was a bitch my self. Then of course there was the girl who stole my best friend in grade 9 and the best friend who was stolen as well, there with her. So well, at least it lasted. and of course various guys ive made out with at various times of my life. I talked to everyone who thought they should talk to me and then I hopped the fence and I walked home. It was best money spent. I cant explain to people why I did that.... but just to see the life i used to have. when you are from a small town and you live there your WHOLE life... then you remove yourself from that place for a year or two and you go BACK, its a whole new story. im not from here anymore. I dont really know if i could ever make HOME here again. Which is also a bad feeling. in a way its a relief because im glad I dont have a strong tie to here, means i dont HAVE to stay here forever. But im sad because i was SO rooted here and once I up rooted... now im worried i wont be able to re-root.
And now the things that matter and need to get out. Anyone out there trying to come off medications they have depended on for 6 or so years?
well let me tell you how its going for me. in what im sure will be on hour long summery of things that wont make sence
i feel really... strange. like dreamy and blabbery lately. and like there is SO much learning I have to do. I am so interested in every thought i have and every creative idea i have suddenly. I am trying to follow what i actually THINK is right. Because as i have found out I am very emotionaly driven and use the emotional part of my brain about 90% of the time and my logic about 10% . and that needs to change.
ive changed? ya . have.
but you know what? i havent CHANGED, just the part of me that has been supressed is coming out.
I am a head case. this is understood right?
and you can laugh... no no you are normal and adjusted. HA. when on medication to level me and stuff. If i have changed I havent changed into anything i never was, i have gone back to the person i was working on becoming before some DIMwitted doctor was like... "so your sad? here take these pills" about 6 years ago. and since then I was put on hold and i became kind of a mixture of who i thought OTHER people wanted me to become. And the layers started adding up until i seemed to be a FULL person. But that full person was not a person I wanted to be. parts of it im sure were genioun me. I KNOW that the root of that person is the root of ME. But so much of who I am disolved into what others wanted me to be. So with all holds off and just being MYSELF i am very confused. I dont know how I like my eggs cooked. I dont know how I react to some emotions. I dont know how I respond to critisism and to conflict.... I dont know what to do when i am disapointed. I suppose I show .... dissapointment? But what if i offend someone? I suppose its time to say I need to live for myself. But even typing that sentence makes me uncomfortable. i dont want to be selfish ever. Even though sometimes i know I have been, i feel guilt for it. Thats another thing. The guilt, oh the guilt, is it possible to live my life without ever doing anything that would require me to feel guilty? if so, please enlighten me.
The bottom line is this- I have been on medication for 6 years now. (on and off of course , trying different kinds as reccomended by a physican) i have seen the manic ecstatic happy highs and the serated steak knife lows. I have spent enough time bouncing off walls with un-human amounts of joy to later find myself in fetal position against the same wall crying for my life to just end.
And I feel so helpless. Because, I see that the medication CAN help me. It CAN make a difference once the kinks are worked out and I am on it long enough that the side effects go away. But staying in the haze of drugs even if legal makes me wonder what part of life I am missing. Sure the pills make me feel sain from time to time and they make me feel in controle. But they also make me feel lost and un-true. They make me feel like a cheater and like someone I am not. They make me forget how to love and they make me forget how to maintain real relationships because they strip me of my emotions. So i make up emotions as i think they should happen and I try that. They take an emotion that would be rated as a 10 and make it a 2. No true happiness, no true saddness, nothing but a pretty steady line of get me through the day pleasentness. Is that anyway to live? Is this the great way to forget about my past and make the trauma i have experiance GO AWAY? it doesnt go away and supressing is not the answer.
I want to be a strong person and I want to do it the right way. i want to march on with help BUT NOT FROM A CHEMICAL. help from people who will listen and from counselors who some how always know what to say. But the scary part is being all alone in my own head. There used to be a constant stream of SOMTHING going through my head. Letting me know that I am alive. letting me feel FULL and satisfied. and that is gone now. "that" was the chemicals i introduced to my brain, and without them my brain doesnt really know what to do. And so YES im confused, im not sure how to behave. all i know right now is to go to work and to use my higher pitched proffesional voice. but away from that safety net I dont know how to treat people anymore.
and i DONT know what to do. half of me wants to go and run back to the medicine cabinet and give in to what the addiction in my head is saying. But I know that is wrong. i went through a hellish two weeks of withdrawl with serious physical reactions already and dont want to do that EVER again. and now im on week 5 and its getting better... i think.
I dont feel happy right now.... but at least i FEEL.
and I dont know who I am ... but i know i am becoming someone REAL again.
Im still me... the me everyone knows.... shes still in there... but somthing has to change in me to become a full person who knows herself and who beleives in her self.
I am done the physical reactions to the withdrawl, but the emotional ones are just starting and so I say now, please, everyone bare with me becuase ill be back. and if im not myself its because i dont know who myself is anymore and I need to figure that out without the medical crutch.
i am happy - i am sad - I am depressed - I am excited - I am full of love - i am jelous - I am so many things now that I dont know how to handle anymore. I havent felt like this.
and now as i sort through these emotions that are alien to me right now, Im over whelmed and i dealing with SEVERE SEVERE MOOD SWINGS.
i feel the rage pent up in the pit of my stomach and once and awhile it comes out screaming. Im scared of myself somtimes, i didnt know i was capable of such ANGER. But if I can get this angry im sure the pendulum can swing and i can get this happy too.
so here i go walking the scary scary halls alone at night without a flashlight or anything to guide me in search of a little girl who was burried deep years ago and she needs to be dug out so to grow into who she is SUPPOSED to
im sure this is hard to understand, im doing my best, nothing less.
well... i dont think in all honesty i will go back to wonderland... ever.
But that could just be my mood speaking.
No im sure it was fine. I dont really remeber, it was all kinda a blurr of screaming kids, excrutiating heat and chinese people with HUDGE reflective visors. I went on .... 2 rides. The really weak water rafting ride (because it was the only thing with a line totally in the shade) and .... wait, I lied, I suppose that is the only ride I went on.
But all was not in vain, i did go take full advantage of the water park. I went on most of the water slides that looked worth wile ( im not talkin the REALLY slow ones that you basially have to push your self off) The best was the one that shot you down a tube into a big toilet that you spin around then get flushed out of. That was pretty cool. Although I almost died in the line because I was so nervous. Did I mention I am absolutly TERRIFIED of anything that even comes close to being a little bit scary? I dont do rides... I dont do fairs, I dont do amusment parks. but somtimes I guess you FEEL like you HAVE to go do SOMTHING exciting. Then you realize... wow, shit do I ever HATE fun.
I mean really if we are really going to get into it, it was a nightmere for me. What are my least favorite things?
-crowds
-HEAT/humidity
-roller coasters
-fair food ex. hamburgers and corn dogs and fries
-NOISE
-congestion
-CITIES UGH
we can know ask.... why did I think I would LIKE wonderland? Anyways, I guess lately I have been doing a lot of things JUST to find out its not my thing, ex. did I mention I went to the local rodeo dance?? WEll I did. there was like... 800 people there. I paid TWENTY dollers to get into this thing , I the walked around the whole thing (starting at the front working to the back) looking and observing everyone and if there was someone I knew, stopping for the obligatory 10-12 second conversation. Then walked on. It took me about 20 minuts to do the whole circut and see everyone I needed to see. There was enough people I knew I guess, there was the girl who used to ALWAYS be SUCH a bitch to me on the higschool bus. There was the girl I sent fake Love notes to in grade 4 pretending she had a secret admiror when really it was me and another girl playing a REALLY mean joke on her because she was... a loner. See, I was a bitch my self. Then of course there was the girl who stole my best friend in grade 9 and the best friend who was stolen as well, there with her. So well, at least it lasted. and of course various guys ive made out with at various times of my life. I talked to everyone who thought they should talk to me and then I hopped the fence and I walked home. It was best money spent. I cant explain to people why I did that.... but just to see the life i used to have. when you are from a small town and you live there your WHOLE life... then you remove yourself from that place for a year or two and you go BACK, its a whole new story. im not from here anymore. I dont really know if i could ever make HOME here again. Which is also a bad feeling. in a way its a relief because im glad I dont have a strong tie to here, means i dont HAVE to stay here forever. But im sad because i was SO rooted here and once I up rooted... now im worried i wont be able to re-root.
And now the things that matter and need to get out. Anyone out there trying to come off medications they have depended on for 6 or so years?
well let me tell you how its going for me. in what im sure will be on hour long summery of things that wont make sence
i feel really... strange. like dreamy and blabbery lately. and like there is SO much learning I have to do. I am so interested in every thought i have and every creative idea i have suddenly. I am trying to follow what i actually THINK is right. Because as i have found out I am very emotionaly driven and use the emotional part of my brain about 90% of the time and my logic about 10% . and that needs to change.
ive changed? ya . have.
but you know what? i havent CHANGED, just the part of me that has been supressed is coming out.
I am a head case. this is understood right?
and you can laugh... no no you are normal and adjusted. HA. when on medication to level me and stuff. If i have changed I havent changed into anything i never was, i have gone back to the person i was working on becoming before some DIMwitted doctor was like... "so your sad? here take these pills" about 6 years ago. and since then I was put on hold and i became kind of a mixture of who i thought OTHER people wanted me to become. And the layers started adding up until i seemed to be a FULL person. But that full person was not a person I wanted to be. parts of it im sure were genioun me. I KNOW that the root of that person is the root of ME. But so much of who I am disolved into what others wanted me to be. So with all holds off and just being MYSELF i am very confused. I dont know how I like my eggs cooked. I dont know how I react to some emotions. I dont know how I respond to critisism and to conflict.... I dont know what to do when i am disapointed. I suppose I show .... dissapointment? But what if i offend someone? I suppose its time to say I need to live for myself. But even typing that sentence makes me uncomfortable. i dont want to be selfish ever. Even though sometimes i know I have been, i feel guilt for it. Thats another thing. The guilt, oh the guilt, is it possible to live my life without ever doing anything that would require me to feel guilty? if so, please enlighten me.
The bottom line is this- I have been on medication for 6 years now. (on and off of course , trying different kinds as reccomended by a physican) i have seen the manic ecstatic happy highs and the serated steak knife lows. I have spent enough time bouncing off walls with un-human amounts of joy to later find myself in fetal position against the same wall crying for my life to just end.
And I feel so helpless. Because, I see that the medication CAN help me. It CAN make a difference once the kinks are worked out and I am on it long enough that the side effects go away. But staying in the haze of drugs even if legal makes me wonder what part of life I am missing. Sure the pills make me feel sain from time to time and they make me feel in controle. But they also make me feel lost and un-true. They make me feel like a cheater and like someone I am not. They make me forget how to love and they make me forget how to maintain real relationships because they strip me of my emotions. So i make up emotions as i think they should happen and I try that. They take an emotion that would be rated as a 10 and make it a 2. No true happiness, no true saddness, nothing but a pretty steady line of get me through the day pleasentness. Is that anyway to live? Is this the great way to forget about my past and make the trauma i have experiance GO AWAY? it doesnt go away and supressing is not the answer.
I want to be a strong person and I want to do it the right way. i want to march on with help BUT NOT FROM A CHEMICAL. help from people who will listen and from counselors who some how always know what to say. But the scary part is being all alone in my own head. There used to be a constant stream of SOMTHING going through my head. Letting me know that I am alive. letting me feel FULL and satisfied. and that is gone now. "that" was the chemicals i introduced to my brain, and without them my brain doesnt really know what to do. And so YES im confused, im not sure how to behave. all i know right now is to go to work and to use my higher pitched proffesional voice. but away from that safety net I dont know how to treat people anymore.
and i DONT know what to do. half of me wants to go and run back to the medicine cabinet and give in to what the addiction in my head is saying. But I know that is wrong. i went through a hellish two weeks of withdrawl with serious physical reactions already and dont want to do that EVER again. and now im on week 5 and its getting better... i think.
I dont feel happy right now.... but at least i FEEL.
and I dont know who I am ... but i know i am becoming someone REAL again.
Im still me... the me everyone knows.... shes still in there... but somthing has to change in me to become a full person who knows herself and who beleives in her self.
I am done the physical reactions to the withdrawl, but the emotional ones are just starting and so I say now, please, everyone bare with me becuase ill be back. and if im not myself its because i dont know who myself is anymore and I need to figure that out without the medical crutch.
i am happy - i am sad - I am depressed - I am excited - I am full of love - i am jelous - I am so many things now that I dont know how to handle anymore. I havent felt like this.
and now as i sort through these emotions that are alien to me right now, Im over whelmed and i dealing with SEVERE SEVERE MOOD SWINGS.
i feel the rage pent up in the pit of my stomach and once and awhile it comes out screaming. Im scared of myself somtimes, i didnt know i was capable of such ANGER. But if I can get this angry im sure the pendulum can swing and i can get this happy too.
so here i go walking the scary scary halls alone at night without a flashlight or anything to guide me in search of a little girl who was burried deep years ago and she needs to be dug out so to grow into who she is SUPPOSED to
im sure this is hard to understand, im doing my best, nothing less.
posted by Waitingtoland at 7:17 PM
3 comments
