My Christmas

Tis Christmas day, who better to spend it with than complete strangers?Of course, I over exagerate, but tell you I will who attended the festivus with the best of us.Mother and Father and the Chad and myselfsister 2 and the boyfriend who we arent sure what he does, or what he has EVER done, but at least we all know now what his name looks like etched into sister 2's spine. And I turn to sister 2 and I say:"Thats a bit of a risk wouldnt you say?"and says he whos name adorns sister 2's spine with a look of discontempt:"how is it a risk? I have her name on my forarm, as he undoes his bottons to show off the name "Jade", which, can I take this time to add, isnt her real name, but in fact a name that they have deemed more suitable then her birth name. I personally was not saying the risk had anything to do with whether or not he also had also done the same, but a risk when you have lived common law married to 4 men had children with a couple of them and married yet another. But of course, "after 40, there is nothing to worry about anymore".naturally. So we had the new boyfriend and the sister with the new name. Sister 2's kids come into the living room where we are taking refuge, there are 3: ages 14, 8 and 6. They are coming to put in their Christmas video they got from Santa, last year was the Mummy returns. This year, what to our wondering eyes should appear? But a black screen with the writing"Santa: Go FUCK yourself"followed by the opening scene, staring; Bubbles. For what better way to spend Christmas then watching the trailer park boys Christmas special?My mother now outraged said TAKE it AWAY, so down stairs they went, the 4 year old twins not far behind to watch an hour and a half of Santa apparently "Fucking" himself.Hmmmm.Sister number 3 and I have not yet made eye contact, probably tension from when the police were called when there was a little misunderstanding involving husband number 4 who was also husband number 2 and well, it wasnt pretty and I wish I hadnt have had to been there. She has in tow boyfriend who personally I, well, sorry, just AINT taking to him. Boyfriend who was good friend of the aformentioned husband number 2 and 4, but , well , accidents happen. Sister number 3 sporting a hudge rock of an engagment ring. And she asks me, "So what do you think of us getting married up in Niagara? Think we could find a good deal?"What does one say to a sister who since the age of 18 has been a serial bride with an average marraige life span of 5 years? Maybe, just MAYBE marriage isnt your style?We have also brother number one, who, needless to say, is not normal, but is a NORMAL part of the family.Sister number 1 and brother number 2, the siblings on the top of the sibling enjoyment list, were 4000 miles away basking in the lack of insanity.Wife number one, to father number Only was along for the fun with husband number 2 and son number adopted were there aswell, nothing like coming to Christmas and needing introductions to your family. At first I thought, all right, cool I have a half-half-step brother, wikid, but no, no relation. He pulled a 6 in the gift exchange gift and muttered half under his breath"All i need is 2 more 6's and I would have the Whole number."hmmm satanic? At Christmas time? That aint right. Thats actually all he said come to think of it.Nephew number one was there with his twins and for the first time the actual mother of the 4 year olds.Dinner is at 1, we are having late lunch, these are the instructions, we are there, we bring the turkey, its One lets eat. But no, sister number 2 protests, her son and girlfriend have another christmas dinner to go to and cant get out of it until 4 but are coming after, it is important that we wait for them. Mother once again revolts, and it turns out supper will not be waiting for them. It is 3:30 but the time we are ready to eat anyways and the mother is wilting as we have not been offered a drink nor are there any kind of orderves to be seen even though we are waiting 3 hours to eat, at this moment my mother is really annoid, but some how it makes my annoiance less. Father carves the turkey, supper will be buffet style, Father sets down his loaded plate for a mere moment and the next thing you know the rest of the family is for some reason confused and off loading from his plate to theirs, father does not like this. We all eat, most of us sitting on the floor and then presents start. We do a game, where everyone brings a gift and we pull cards to see who takes what etc etc. Except this year the rules have changed, this year everyone has to bring a $20 gift certificate, sister number 2 gets the best card, so she gets to choose last and pulls the card she her self brought and then laughs hardily "HAHAHAH this one is for 25, suckers."alright then. Sister number 3 is happy with her Stag shop card and sister number3's fiance number 5 is happy with his LCBO. THe LCBO cert's are the prize of the night surprise surprise and brother number 1 ends up taking home his own gift of a wad of canadian tire money.Youngest of the twins windes the corner andwithout warning totally SACKS brother number 1, for a brief second all holdtheir breath to see if brother number 1 accidentally boxes kid in the head, hey, somtimes instnct takes over.We leave, what a time was had by all, but somewhere among the children watching trailer trash boys, strange men calling my sister by names that are truly, NOT there NAME, my mother rubbing her temples and the twins running around with the noisest toys man ever created and trying to strangle their own grandmother, there was a family that loves eachother, a family that...ah forget it, Santa go fuck yourself.

the kind of day I am having.

I put the cerial in the bowl, the milk in the bowl.
eat the cerial, so much milk left and I hate drinking the milk, but I hate wasting it too because rice milk for some reason is WAY more expensive, I guess tho, the number of little milking machines they would need for all the little rices, would get expensive. Anways, so I put in more cerial to make the cerial to milk ratio even, but I put TOO much cerial in and now need more milk. So i eat the cerial and of course have WAY too much milk so I put in more cerial and then need more milk, you cant pour WET cerial back in the box but no ones like eating cerial that isnt TOUCHING the milk totally, its nice when its submurged.
And this continues, and now i am out of milk and cerial, I am happy to say tho, they went together.

talk about subliminal

Chad downloaded the Weathernetworks free weather eye for the desktop, tells you the temperature in our 1 horse town and also what looking out the window would accomplish. It pops up this morning and i take a quick look
Milverton
-9, Light snow
This mornings short range
fortcast shows an easy breakfast.


What?
I wipe the tired from my eyes
no, thats what it says.

Suddenly I start to taste the msg and the grease seeping down the old taste buds, I know that fuzzy feeling, its, its.. CLICK
ITS MACDONALDS!


now, i was the one who was shocked with the macdonalds brand bottled water, but personally I must say I am overly shocked now that macdonalds has not only began PREDICTING weather...
Macdonalds seemingly has BECOME weather....

I love this picture

its funny how...

when we are kids some how things seemed so clear, when WE were adults we would definatly:
-stay up ALL night
-buy a swimming pool and fill it with pudding or jello, your choice.
-NEVER eat vegetables
-buy a monkey and toilet train it
-buy a poney and keep it in your bedroom, perhaps the monkey will ride it as well.
-will sleep in every day until lunch
-icecream sundays with chocolate sprinkles will be on the lunch menue
-never brush your teeth or wash your face
-Never have a job but travel with either a circus or the moto-cross
-you will eat crackers in bed and candy before bed.
- you will never clean your house
and last but not least YOU will raise perfect children and NEVER tell them what to do.

And then there you are middle aged, going to bed by 9 and up by 6 to go in and get your daily 8 hours of soul fucking at work, there is no ice cream lunch, there is carb consious wraps with a little mushy vegetables. Your swimming pool is over run with algai and the insurance people just made you drop 2 grand on fencing it in so your little brats dont drown in it. The monkey and the pony got lost in the clutter of your house and you would eat icecream for lunch, if it wasnt for those sensitve teeth and your peptic ulcer. But at the end of the day you find solace in climbing into bed with your saltines... and consiquestnly waking up covered in bed bug bites.
life is good.

Dear Santa

So religion has been shut out of public places? Public school in particular, they allow no prayer.
Take a look at some of these letter to "Santa" i found in the local news paper from local kids; and you tell ME what is wrong with this picture?

Dear Santa
I have a few favours for some Global issues I want to ask you about. For a few Christmas presents I would like no more hurricans and no war. I would also like people that have cancer to live and not die. THe last thing I would like is for kids and adults to stop dying of hunger. THank you for your understanding and trying to help.
Karly Age 11.

Dear Santa
Can you please stop wars gecause there shouldtn be war in our world! Can you please stop world hunger too because the people that suffered hurricane Katrina need more food if you havent noticed. So please tell your friends to stop bad weather and war. Your friend Cody

Dear Santa
Can you please stop animals from dying in shelters? Please stop homless people from starving and stop cancer from spreading. Santa this year can you help people in hospitals survive? Its a lot to ask but I know you can do it.
Thanks
Samantha.


now its your turn;
irony? stupidity? are this letters perhaps addressed to the wrong man?
Hummmmmmm

John is dead-miss him-miss him.

and where the magic happens

LOOOOKY looooky my new TRUCKA

my dad always said 'once a woman gets married she pulls the rip cord', alas, it is true. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is for puking on the rug!

I am a horrible Pet Owner.

I wouldnt be surprised if I looked in Otis's little Kitty-Condo and found a small voodoo doll of myself in there. He is currently not speaking to me.

Here is my 2 cents, because I know everyone wants it.
I have seen this scenario many many, many times.
Man is married, man hooks up with (usually younger and more attractive) woman, they have their fling and suddenly OH NO man is weakening, man is building up his super sexy self image but the wife, the wife is back in the game and man cant break old habits, man was thought to have left this wife in the dust, but man was born to spread his seed (at least that’s the excuse they enjoy) and before he knows what has happened he is tangled up in sweaty ‘take back sex’. Wife doesn’t want man anymore, I mean, really, who would? But damned if she will let the “other woman” prevail, no man the woman her husband took off will NOT get to ride off into the sunset. They are now thrown into the all too familiar “friendship of hate” where the only reason they were pulled back into any relationship is over the mutual disgust that some other woman could get in-between them and rip them apart like that. Side note: let me take this time to also note that no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do without threatening your life, and when people use the excuse that “she stole him away” etc etc, that’s bull shit, because at anytime a full grown man SHOULD have the brain capacity to say ; no… wrong. And stop. SOMEWHERE inbetween the time they met and one thing led to another, should there have been at least an instant where man could and maybe SHOULD have said ‘this is wrong, I’m sorry, and walked away.” –end of side note.
The “other woman” who was once surrounded by the sweet words of the married man is now being covered in much much worse words. She is a slut naturally, where as the man is a stud. Ever notice? It starts in high school, a girl that sleeps around is a slut or a whore, a guy who sleeps around is a hero.
So while the married man and his wife try to figure out where it is they stand together the other woman is left on the outside looking in wondering:
“How could he have changed so drastically? What did he all lie to me about? How can someone smile so nice on the outside when they are being completely dishonest? How is it at ALL fair she has seemingly forgiven him but hates me? “
Lets ask who really cheated on who here? It IS common respect yes, that when a man is married you do not get “down with him” for respect for the faceless (or not) wife because you wouldn’t want some other woman getting down with your husband. BUT what if , just what if the married man is conniving and sneaky and has made you believe that the marriage is over and he is hurting so bad because of the way she treats him and feels so neglected for living years in a love less marriage. You become totally disillusioned that’s what happens. Throw in
1.some heavy duty feelings
2.words coming out of his mouth you have been just dieing to hear for such a long time
3. A man who is on his BEST behaviour in front of you
4. A low self esteem which SO many woman are needlessly plagued with
and
5. The smooth operator that these men always seem to be, all the right words at all the right times
and it is really quite hard to use see this from the outside, because honest, all you want to do is help him, and Gosh darn it; he makes you feel great.
That being said, some men are total and complete liars.
So how is it then that the man walks away testicles intact and head held high while the other woman is left to clean up the pieces?
No this isn’t just for a neighbouring blogger (who’s story I only know through bits of cyber pieces) it is for a lot of woman I have known and have been who don’t have the heart to say no and who need to love and be loved like the dickens. Oprah even did a show about it, where these men have there incredible stories and incredible smiles and they string you along until your heart is breaking FOR them and the horrible time they have spent trying in vain to love this awful other woman. It is so set up and schematic, it is a play by play way to get a little adventure whence they have grown tired of the same old same old. The woman most effected by men like this are the woman that need it the LEAST in their life, women with low self esteems or woman who are very trusting and yes, nurturing. Men like this DON’T care who when your heart goes from breaking for them to breaking over them, they are just in it for the ride (literally and figuratively)
While every story is going to be a little bit different, there is a pattern to be recognized here.
All in favour of mandatory castrating, neigh, dismembering of all male predators (and no I don’t feel like I am being over-dramatic with any of my choice of words or labels here) say “I”